Advice from a Mashed Potato Miscreant

I have been making mashed potatoes since the first year of my marriage. I have only recently figured out how not to ruin them. I hope you can learn from my mashing mistakes. Save the spuds!

How NOT to Make Mashed Potatoes:

1.  Don't peel the potatoes. With the best, vitamin rich intentions, I used to leave the peels on. They clogged up the electric mixer. They added a bit of dirt to the recipe if I am in a hurry and don't clean them well enough, which happens more often than not.
2. Boil them into oblivion. To mash potatoes, the spuds must be soft. However, if they are boiled until the cows come home, there isn't much point in further mashing them. The final side dish will be grainy and runny and gross.
3. Save the water from draining the cooked potatoes to add back in for moisture. I'm sorry to my mom who always does this, but it just doesn't work for me. The potatoes turn gray and way too soupy. 
4. Use chipotle pepper instead of black pepper for seasoning. While chipotle might not be completely unpleasant in the dish, it will definitely be interesting. It will lose some of that homey-how-mama-made-'em taste.
5. Spill the black pepper. After spicing up way too many dishes with way too much pepper, I finally bought myself a new pepper shaker. Bubba was very grateful.
6. Wait for your husband. Mashed potatoes must be eaten fresh and hot. Whenever I make mashed potatoes with dinner, Bubba is late home from work and my spuds suffer. It is a bizarre and annoying law of nature.
7. Use packaged potatoes. Unless you plan on serving them on a school lunch tray, they are not even worthy of being called mashed potatoes. They disgust me.
8. Finally and most importantly: If you really want bad potatoes, ask me to make them. If you want good ones, ask my mom. Hers are a whole lot better.

Trust me. I am an expert at ruining good, old fashioned mashed potatoes.